I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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