I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
ugly people sure do ruin things
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Everyone says I win the strip club
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
