My Higher Power is John Stamos
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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