i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
