I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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