I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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