I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
