I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
