I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
