got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
