I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
