(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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