Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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