life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
