We won't sleep together?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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