in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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