I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
