So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
