just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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