The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
