Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
