Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
