is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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