I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
