so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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