We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
