she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
