i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
