I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
