I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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