Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
