this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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