take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
