remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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