My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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