Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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