my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
