i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
