just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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