so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
