News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize