I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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