Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
