those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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