Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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