I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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