i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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