Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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