Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
