I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
