there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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