did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize
