Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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