just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
