did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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