Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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