Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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