someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I touched a dick in church today
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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