remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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