Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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