I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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