they need to just BURY HIM!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Sext me about skeletons
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
