We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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