hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
